Does anybody else remember "Xenon""? I sure do. She was, after all, my first true love. It all happened way back at that impressionable young age of fifteen or so. I would get up early, sneak into my mom's purse, and nab as many quarters I could find. Then I would jet out of the house, blaze right past my school, and head on in to the little dairy next to it. On the outside, it looked like a pretty run-down, ordinary yellowish convenience store. But past the coolers and candy, past the angry old man at the counter, past the magazines, stashed away in a small room in the back, was my precious "Xenon". Tucked in next to a handful of video games, including "Missile Command" and "Asteroids", was my beautiful electronic pin-ball mistress, patiently awaiting my arrival and my caress. Actually, she was far from faithful, with a seemingly endless stream of courtiers, and many a day I would be turned away, unable to get my hands on her before the first class bell rang. But if I was early enough, I could smack my quarter down smartly on the glass, declare "Next!", and get to fondle my beloved's buttons. Either way, it mattered little. Most of the time I was happy just to be near her, to see the flashing lights and hear her moan with pleasure as some pre-pubescent dweeb pawed wildly at her frame. As the ball bounced around, she would gasp "Ah!" , "Oooh!" , "Uuh!" with each contact to a bumper or target. I would just stare in wide-eyed wonderment, at the sound-synchronized lights, the electronic displays, and, of course, her enormous breasts! Our young minds were just waking up to notions of sex, and such suggestive comments as "Enter Xenon" or "Try a Tube Shot!" were greeted with squeals of joy from our testosterone-deficient vocal cords. For many of us, myself included, it was the closest thing to making a woman moan with pleasure that we would get for many, many years! She was the first, and she was awesome..

I'm not sure what the psychological impact of Xenon was on me, but I've been "Trying a Tube Shot" ever since! Being your basic "slightly-handicapped, and therefore totally over-protected by mommy" child (up until 14 I was in some sort of body brace, be it for my club feet, crooked spine, or bad teeth! Yep, that's me at the drinking fountain in "16 Candles!"), I had never really seen much of the world, let alone pinball machines and video games. My parents were far from stereotypical Americana, so we didn't frequent bowling alleys or mini-golf. About the only previous exposure I had to coin-op amusements was in my uncle's basement. He had a working antique pinball machine, shooting gallery game, air-hockey and ping pong table! I spent that whole cold Colorado week that we visited in that unheated basement, freezing my pudgy So. Cal butt off, playing pinball. (Actually, I spent some time with my cousin making snow-chains for his go-cart and perfecting "Blue Angles", but that's another story!). Anyway, when I finally saw Xenon, it was so totally amazing to me. It was an amazing electronic wonder at the time. For starters, it was the first game to use a digitized female voice. The voice of Xenon is, for you trivia buffs, none other than the edgy, sexy, entertainment pioneer of her time, Susan Ciani. Susan's voice was digitized into the now familiar "sound byte", and recorded on to a ROM chip. Instead of the machine just going "Bing! Bong!" when the ball hit things, the samples of her voice are played. Pretty wild technology for 1980, let me tell you! That and the throbbing, every increasing tempo of the background music just sucks you wholly into the game. You are dazzled by the sights and sounds, and the blasts of the bumpers and deep bass vibrate up your arms. O.K, it's just a game, but for me as a young geeky boy, it was a religious experience encompassing everything that I love: high tech stuff and sexy babes! What else is there?

So there I would be, ignoring my scholastic duties in favor of the electronic hypnotism that the dairy/arcade offered. All my buds hung out there, mostly the freshman geeks who didn't want to risk bodily injury at the hands of upperclassmen before school! They were all here, each with their own special talents. Larry Chai, the Chinese math whiz, could kick anyone's ass on "Missile Command". Mike Titus, who extolled the caffienated virtues of "Mellow Yellow", went on to set a world record for endurance on "Asteroids". I would team up with the full-head gear clad Jeff Peters. Together we would become a mighty military force, defending our precious fuel canisters from would-be thieves on the "Rip Off", dual player, side-by side, monochrome-vector graphic, mega mondo machine! For alternate challenges, there was the "3D" world of "Battlezone", or the simple but challenging "Star Castle". Every few weeks a new machine was rotated in, and there would be new adventures. We all had a blast, until our coins ran out or first period English began. ((Yech!)) Fueled with adrenaline and the assorted chemicals that an orange juice and Ding-Dong breakfast afforded, we set out on our school day. These moments would become my fondest high school memories. How lame am I?

Well, I've about doubled in age since those days, but I still think about my first love affair with the seductive "Xenon". Probably not even mildy "erotic" by the standards of today's youth, she probably lies abandoned somewhere, rejected by the "video generation". But dispair not, fair maiden, as I vow to find you again, and make you my own. For now I am no longer the awkward boy who you once knew, but a caring man with features that could potentially attract a woman of your caliber: intelligence, wit, and a fresh gold card! So, my beloved Xenon, if you are out there, how about a date with destiny? I've got some some music, wine, candles, and of course, a handful of shiny quarters!